Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

Kids: Stay in school.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*