Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
the worm is coming from inside the brain
