Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

British people

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good