Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

🤣🤣🤣

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.