Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

If a snake ate a cake

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?