Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
This is my emotional support knife.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
