Me trying to “trust the process”
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Is this anything
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.