Me trying to “trust the process”
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Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?