Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

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If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

🤣🤣