me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
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[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.