Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

i hate you platonically

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.