Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

I disagree with my politics

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.