@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

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@thenatewolf

Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

@ojedge

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

@MsMosman

Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

@hansmollman

Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls

@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.

@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

@HanaMichels

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.