Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.