Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.