Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.