me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You Might Also Like
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.