Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates