me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Meow
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.