Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book