Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets