Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”