Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Something Saturday.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1577999660555329537/pu/vid/408x720/lgv5lLVKXP9PX0vZ.mp4?tag=12

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”