Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.