Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Meow

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.