Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

The Eggorcist

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!