me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.