me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”