me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.