Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

This is my emotional support knife.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday