me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.