Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.