Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat