Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine