Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

genius

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking