Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Word!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
one week till the election
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but