Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work