Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?