Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*