Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Owl Sanctuary
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!