Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
