Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

spot the difference

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!