Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”