Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
You Might Also Like
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.