Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing