Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

“You’d better run, egg!”

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

😭🤣

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Solving a traffic jam

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison