ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
This kid will have a bright future.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”