Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Finally a use for spoilers…
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Who called it baking and not making love
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”