Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’m about to risk it all
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.