Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?