Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Finished stitching this today 😇

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family