Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.