Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.