Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date