Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.