Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.