ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around