me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Voting for coroner
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.