me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?