Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.