Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
You Might Also Like
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.