ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!