@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

@WilliamAder

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

@CantWaitToNap

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@CArmanthegirl

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@Playing_Dad

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.