Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.