Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos