Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
they split up moments later
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Education is vital
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.