Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats