Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”