Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken