Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.