Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You Might Also Like
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Made something I’m not proud of
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her