Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

The police never think its as funny as you do.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment