Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella