me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Still cracks me up
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.